A letter from Santa...

Dear ___________,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good
this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some
goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of
Christmas," but we have had a little problem up here. The Twelve
Fiddlers Fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the Ten
Ladies Dancing. The Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight
Maids of Milking, and the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for
doing weird things Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle
Doves, and the Partridge in a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird
shi*.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of
my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation and
some dumb-ass has scheduled Christmas in Poland for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,

Santa