Fun things for professors on the first day of class...

- Bring a dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

- Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

- Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".

- Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

- Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".

- Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

- Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

- After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

- After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "My pacemaker!"

- Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

- Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "You! What did I just say?"

- Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

- Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask me, Winky Willy".

- Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

- If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would you like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

- Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

- Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

- Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

- Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".

- Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

- Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

- Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

- Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

- Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

- Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

- Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

- Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

- Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

- Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

- Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

- Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? Are you pumped? I can't hear you!"

- Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

- Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

- Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

- Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

- Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

- Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

- Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".

- Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

- Growl constantly and address students as "matey".

- Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".

- Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

- Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

- Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".

- Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

- Address students as "Worm".

- Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

- Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

- Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

- Of course, the most fun thing to do on the first day of class is to enjoy yourself, sleep in, and let the students wonder if they found the right room!