Fun
things for professors on the first day of class...
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Bring a dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for
the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
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Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank,
and serial number.
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Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the
funk".
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Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in
rapid-fire auctioneer style.
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Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with
a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk,
tsk".
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Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
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Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
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After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending
"Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last
day to drop.
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After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "My
pacemaker!"
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Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
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Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream
"You! What did I just say?"
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Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question
oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
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Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question
directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll
have to ask me, Winky Willy".
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Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee"
and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over
to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
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If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your
piece of chalk, and ask, "Would you like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
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Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several
minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
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Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks
a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
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Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
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Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
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Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
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Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required
reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia,
for next class.
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Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
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Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question,
have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
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Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would
know" and move on before anyone can answer.
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Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
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Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout
it.
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Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline
number on the board.
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Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the
next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
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Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you
pace back and forth.
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Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
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Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped?
Are you pumped? I can't hear you!"
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Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you
put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
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Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their
choices and make notes in your grade book.
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Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
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Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
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Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
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Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
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Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their
distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked
up in the field".
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Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the
lecture's over when the bottle's done.
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Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
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Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students
to "sit back and groove".
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Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
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Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their
essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
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Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
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Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number
system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the
number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
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Address students as "Worm".
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Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your
butt looks fat.
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Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
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Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every
ten minutes.
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Of course, the most fun thing to do on the first day of class is to enjoy yourself,
sleep in, and let the students wonder if they found the right room!
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