think Santa Claus is a woman...
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about
it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I
have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts
until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian
Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other
errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket
wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would
send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous
relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count
alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in
the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia
Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would
be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the
rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season
had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems
because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then
refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would
be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop
to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon
monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that
is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything
remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...
- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But
not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace
on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song,"
it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd
quit dressing like a guy!